Feeling lost

Again, I have been neglecting my blog. This may have something to do with my toddler, my job (exam season is upon us!), the fact that I have been finishing off two novels and started researching for a third or in actual fact, it may be because I don’t feel like I have much to say at the moment. Which is odd, considering I, ya’know, kinda speak for a living. 

I’ve achieved a lot of things in the last few months. ‘Cruelty’ is an audiobook (which is amazing and Maxine Lennon who narrates it did an incredible job), as I’ve said, I’ve written 2 novels, a novella, starting research for a 3rd novel, I’m co-editor for an anthology for Kristell Ink, I’m doing well at my day job, being a mother to a toddler is an incredible thing and I’ve also managed to lose a total of 60lbs since having her. 

Despite all this, I feel like I’m in a fug. I’m tired all the time, and it’s not because my daughter is going through another period of bad sleep. I’m tired in my bones. I’m tired in my soul. I’m catching bug after bug. I’m brusing easily. Sometimes, I don’t even remember hurting myself. A bruise will just appear. As I write this, I’m waiting outside the doctor to have a ‘Tired All the Time’ bloodtest, which tests everything from thyroid issues to Leukemia. 

Emotionally, I am all over the place. I’m finding it hard to muster enthusiasm for anything at the moment. I’m experiencing intense bouts of anxiety over nothing. My heart will lurch in my chest and my breath catch for no reason at all, when I’m in the middle of doing something incredibly ordinary like making a cuppa. My brain suddenly explodes with a riot of horrible imagery, usually involving my daughter being hurt or killed. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to give into the panic that claws at me. I don’t always win. Sometimes, it means I can’t speak to a sales advisor or order food or answer the phone. The words get stuck and refuse to come out. I ask my husband to speak to people for me because I can not muster up the courage to ask myself. Again, considering that I essentially speak for a living, this is a problem. 

I’ve suffered from bouts of depression before, but it’s never been quite like this, this all-consumming panic that rears up from the darkest part of my subconscious so in discussion with my doctor, we’re doing a few things. Firstly, I have come off chemical contraception, I am taking multi-vitamins, having this blood test, and writing down what is going on when I have an anxiety attack. Hopefully, we can find a way to move forward. 

In the meantime, I will do what I have always done; try to pour the darkness into my writing meaning it won’t have the chance to fester in my soul. 

Ellen. Xx

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