October is my favourite time of year; autumn is settling in, the world is ablaze with the golds and reds of the season, a much needed half term is not far away and I can cozy up in comfy jumpers.
But October is also bittersweet. It has become pregnancy and infant loss month. This week (9th-15th) seems to have been designated Infant Loss Awareness Week. You may have seen posts on social media saying this, adding ‘I am the one in four’ (1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage/stillbirth in their lives).
I am the one in four.
I have never made a secret of my miscarriage. In June 2014, I went for a routine scan and had suffered a missed miscarriage. I wrote about it in October 2014 and I can’t believe that it was three years ago.
The pain did indeed grow less, as is the nature of grief, but I have not forgotten. You can’t, not really. I was blessed and got pregnant again that same year with my wonderful Isabella. If that first pregnancy had gone to term, I wouldn’t have her. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about that baby, that I don’t wonder about what they’d be like, that I don’t sometimes get a little knot of sadness in my chest when my memory throws a curve ball at me.
I have read lots of things this week about pregnancy and infant loss. There is more out there than there was three years ago. This is a good thing. When I lost VBF, I had to scour the web for someone, anyone, to talk to. I found lots of cold, medical stuff, none of which was helpful because I needed to find another woman to tell me I wasn’t alone. That it wasn’t my fault.
Now, they aren’t hard to find. It means that any woman, or couple, going through this knows that they aren’t alone, that there is no rhyme or reason, sometimes, to this kind of loss. I know a lot of women who have lost a baby in my life and who don’t hide from it. That’s good We need to be more open, to continue to remove the stigma because it is no one’s fault. Sometimes it is just a missing puzzle piece or a cruel twist of the cord.
If you have suffered infant or pregnancy loss, know that you are not alone, you did nothing wrong, it isn’t your fault. There are lots of groups out there but The Miscarriage Association really helped me in my darkest days. Their website is here if you need them.
Until next time